Was the divorce your decision?

They say it takes two to tango…but in many cases, it may only take one to decide on a divorce. Divorce is rarely a simple or straightforward experience. It’s a life-changing event, one that affects not only the individuals involved but often their families, friends, and communities as well. For women living abroad—particularly international women in the Netherlands—the journey through divorce can be even more nuanced and challenging. One of the most common and emotionally charged questions people ask—whether to themselves, a friend, or a therapist—is: Was the divorce your decision?

For many, this question opens the door to reflection, vulnerability, and, sometimes, doubt. The truth is, the answer is often complex.

The Power of Choice

If the divorce was your decision, you might feel a mix of empowerment and guilt. Choosing to leave a marriage is not an easy step, even when it feels necessary. You might wrestle with questions like: Did I try hard enough? Could things have changed if I waited longer? These doubts are natural. However, it’s important to remember that making a decision to prioritize your well-being and happiness is not selfish; it’s an act of courage. For expat women, this decision can feel especially weighty, given the potential cultural, legal, and social complexities of navigating divorce in a foreign country.

When the Decision Wasn’t Yours

If the divorce was not your choice, the feelings might be entirely different. You could feel blindsided, rejected, or even powerless. In these situations, the focus often shifts to finding closure and reclaiming agency. For international women, this process can be further complicated by practical concerns like visa status, financial independence, or limited support networks. While you might not have initiated the decision, you have the power to determine how you move forward. Healing takes time, but it also requires active participation in rebuilding your life.

Shared Decisions

In some cases, both partners come to the conclusion that parting ways is the best option. While this might seem like the most amicable path, it doesn’t eliminate the emotional challenges. Grief, second-guessing, and the adjustment to a new normal are still very real. For expats, this can also mean redefining your identity in a new cultural landscape and finding your footing in an unfamiliar system.

A Compassionate Perspective

Whether or not the decision was yours, it’s essential to approach the process with self-compassion. Divorce doesn’t define your worth, nor does it erase the value of the relationship you once had. It’s a chapter in your story—not the whole book.

For international women in the Netherlands, there are unique challenges, but also unique opportunities for growth. Whether it’s learning to navigate a new legal system, building a community of support, or rediscovering your sense of self, this can be a moment to rebuild and thrive.

So, was the divorce your decision? Either way, perhaps other questions you can ask yourself now are : What can I learn and how can I grow from this experience? And what’s next?